"Maybe all people have that feeling deep down, that your hometown is something you can never really escape, but can never really go home to either. Because it's not home anymore. We're not trying to make peace with it. Not with the streets and bricks of it. Just with the person we were back then and maybe forgive ourselves for everything we though we would become and didn't." -Fredrik Backman, "The Deal of a Lifetime"
You could say I just about rewrote the entire novella by #Fredrik Backman, but you had to read that quote and now I urge you to pick up his words and soak up all 120 pages of the heart-wrenching story. The other day I was walking through St. Stephen's Green Park and thought to myself, "Is this home yet?" When would I stop thinking about the city in tourist terms? I think my evolving view on home is that it is a one-time place. Where you spent the most time in your impressionable years is what home will always feel like. Lets say a bird hatches her eggs in one nest. Those baby chicks will sense that nest as home, but eventually, they'll lay their own eggs elsewhere, in a home they will build for someone else. Home is bundled up inside us like a ball of yarn (neatly wrapped for some, messily laid in others), "You can never really escape," Backman writes, and he knows that the physical place that shapes us burns wherever we go; it burns as sunshine and as a fire. No matter where we stand, we must forgive ourselves and make peace with our new surroundings - even if the feeling of home hasn't set in; because what if that feeling never comes?
Have you dreamed of animals lately? Last night, I was surrounded by ethereal looking white coyotes that appeared to float an inch off the pavement. A quick Google search of #coyotes online revealed that they can represent a lack of ambition, as well as being able to survive in all circumstances while maintaining a sense of humor. I'd like to think my dream was reminding me to keep my head up and smile. Why the heck not?
I needed that reminder because yesterday, I found myself back on the #Dublin bus during a work week. The blue and yellow bus decor stirred up memories from the similar color Snap logo at my previous short-lasting job. I don't want to think about the month I wasted doing what I wasn't meant to be doing. Rather, I see it as I was spared a year of wasting my resources at a job I would not be fulfilled at doing. During my final week at the job, I became more determined than ever to create goals. I couldn't go back to the job hunt, nor could I fall into the retail or customer service trap. For those reasons, I confirmed my acceptance into the #CELTA course to become a certified teacher. I told myself, "Caitlyn, it is now or never," and now I'm committed to a solid plan. Me...teaching English to non-native speakers...I feel that this path will be rewarding for both ends of the party. I will be the first point of contact in introducing a non-native tongue to all walks-of-life. Maybe our newly shared language will define home, or maybe, I'll find a new word for it.
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